A Tortured Heart

Laying here tonight..
Hating the feeling that I'm being tormented by my own mind... Thinking about Brian... 
And you know.. I have dated.. A LOT... I have had my heart broken so many times.. I can't even begin to count... But this..this is... a whole different kind of beast.. 

Throughout the day... I'm surprisingly quite fine.. I'll actually take a few moments throughout the day to almost... praise myself for not thinking about him.. Because i honestly rarely do.. But as Les Miserables says.. But the tigers come at night.. I tell you.. once the sun has set.. and I'm in bed.. and the silence surrounds me.. I feel swallowed by this feeling of absolute ..hopeless.. gut wrenching.. heart break..

And as pathetic as it might sound.. It feels .. so painful.. I just feel such loss.
Mainly, because I was so unbelievably happy with this person... I didn't think that the kind of happy I felt existed out of the movies.. I let him in.. more than I ever thought was possible.. More than anyone.. And he just encouraged me to.. and when it ended.. I wasn't ready to say goodbye...

Almost feels like losing my Dad all over again.. in the way where.. there is someone there that you treasure and care about and that you hug and talk to one moment and BAM next minute.. zero communication.

Brian has completely abandoned me and any idea what so ever of being with me... without any real reason.. Just ...POOF.. gone. And its fine.. except that I still love him.. and I sooooooooooo do not want to anymore.. 

Got me thinking today.. why is it that we set such high expectations and rely on a gender that can't even be relied upon to put a toilet seat down 100% of the time.. Or take out the garbage.. or whatever else it is that they do..or don't do?. Why do we look to another human being in general.. to rescue us.. and to make us feel stable and secure.. They are bound to fail with expectations of delivering us continued, undying love and support.

I am so angry with myself... for letting my guard down so quickly.. However.. I wouldn't change that, if I could.. the only thing I would change is .. the moment I sensed that his feelings for me had changed that I would have just got the hell out of there.. Rather than letting him see the heartbreak.. Just walked away strong.. I feel like I have lost so much dignity that it's beyond repair.. 

I am trying so hard to make this year about me.. and everything I said before.. but jeez.. this pain that visits me nightly is heavy and discouraging.. 

A Change...A Quest

Recently, I watched the movie Eat, Pray, Love.. and not for the first time... But this time, it really hit me. The words in that movie felt like they came straight from my head.

The past few months, I have experienced the worst heart break.. romantically anyways, that I have ever experienced in my life. I feel like I have lost the love of my life. I'm trying not to think like that but.. you know sometimes you meet someone and it feels like every sign in the world is telling you that you are meant to be with that person so you listen and you get comfortable.. and you get your hopes up.. and you trust... and then the bottom just falls out.

“I need to change. Since I was 15 I’ve either been with a guy or breaking up with a guy. I have not given myself two weeks of a breather just to deal with myself. “- Eat,Pray, Love

This is where I'm at... I want to figure out myself.. Otherwise what is going to happen is the same thing will continue to happen.. The bottom will continue to fall out and I will continue to latch on to someone else in hopes of staying a float in my own loneliness and sadness. When I could be satisfying these feelings for myself. I've been concentrating on the needs of others and making others happy ever since I hit puberty. I think, if I continue on the road I'm on.. I will get married.. and it will end because, I never found myself.
I want to find myself in something.. Like the movie says.. I want to marvel at something.. I would like to find my purpose. To be honest, other than dating, I haven't felt much drive to do anything else with me life.

I feel like I owe it to my future husband to address this undying need within me before I settle down and become committed. I want to be able to say to my kids one day that I did something..

A quest.
"In the end, I've come to believe in something I call "The Physics of the Quest." A force in nature governed by laws as real as the laws of gravity. The rule of Quest Physics goes something like this: If you're brave enough to leave behind everything familiar and comforting, which can be anything from your house to bitter, old resentments, and set out on a truth-seeking journey, either externally or internally, and if you are truly willing to regard everything that happens to you on that journey as a clue and if you accept everyone you meet along the way as a teacher and if you are prepared, most of all, to face and forgive some very difficult realities about yourself, then the truth will not be withheld from you. "

So this will become my life. Leaving behind the familiar in hopes of finding meaning. 

"Ruin is a gift. Ruin is the road to transformation."

I've been given the gift of ruin.. job... apartment.. love gone.. 

I'm excited to see where this journey takes me.